No matter your role at your college or university, everyone experiences sleepless nights obsessing about one thing or another. Please give yourself a point for each thought you’ve ever had in the middle of the night.
- 1-10 points: You’re an adjunct, lecturer or staff member without enough experience to be angry or paranoid. Enjoy it.
- 10-25 points: You’re a junior faculty member worried about getting tenure. You are paranoid (rightfully so).
- 25-40 points: You’re a jaded tenured faculty member or you’ve spent your professional career working in higher ed. You’re on the verge of primal screams and storming out of a faculty or department meeting.
- 40-50 points: You’re an administrator and only sleep about three hours a night.
- Why does it take four months to get reimbursed for travel?
- Is the administration reading my emails?
- How did those students fit 150 people in that two-bedroom apartment for a beer pong party?
- I can’t remember … who was it that said, “Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low?” If I open my computer, will it wake up my partner? Maybe I look it up under the blanket.
- When is my puffy coat coming back from the dry cleaner?
- Did that student wink at me?
- Will my parking ticket appeal be approved?
- Will the tenure committee consider RateMyProfessor’s comments?
- Am I going to get fired for that?
- They better have biscuits on the buffet for tomorrow’s meeting.
- OMG. I forgot to do my golf cart safety training.
- Did that alarm mean I was supposed to leave the building?
- Is my Inside Higher Ed article trending?
- Obviously, the department chair doesn’t respect me.
- There needs to be a vote of no confidence.
- Should I use a colon, dash or parentheses in the title of my essay?
- Was that chicken or tuna salad I ate at that donor’s house today?
- This would have never happened if I had been in charge.
- I’m calling all the trustees in the morning.
- Do they really think I’m that stupid?
- I wonder if he’ll try to punch me in the faculty meeting.
- Enrollment is tanking. Should I update my résumé?
- There are far too many administrators.
- I did meet my goals and objectives.
- Why won’t my syllabus load on Canvas?
- This place is crazy.
- Those condoms really were an approved expense. Why is the business office hassling me?
- I’m going to HR first thing in the morning.
- I sent the vice president for advancement a great article on how to get big gifts, and she didn’t thank me. How ungrateful.
- Can I do my community service at the art museum?
- What am I going to do if the board chair says something racist in the meeting, again?
- Should I fire him for the gallon bottle of vodka in his desk drawer? Is that addressed in the Faculty Manual?
- Should I list reading Ceramics Monthly as research in my tenure packet?
- How will I tell that donor we can’t accept the funerary urn filled with his dog’s ashes? I don’t care if it’s art.
- Why can’t they run this college like a business?
- Can they ban me from campus? It’s free speech!
- Will they be serving Frito pie in the dining hall tomorrow?
- How will I tell the provost that a student was arrested when I took the class to a strip club? The Faculty Manual doesn’t say I could be fired.
- I need to have HR join me in that meeting tomorrow.
- Will the students flip out if I talk about Karen Finley in art appreciation?
- Was that student high in my class? I think they were high.
- The administration is corrupt.
- Why are the trustees always making my life hell?
- I was misquoted in the student newspaper!
- What does that acronym mean again?
- We should survey the campus.
- Should we ban scooters on campus?
- How will I tell the president we must reprint the annual report because her teeth look green?
- When are budget requests due?
- I can say anything I want; I’m tenured!
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